Rejoice! There is a place for every lost Short Film nominee.

The Lost Thing is an abandoned short, looking for a home in Oscar-land.

Gilliamesque cryptozoology!

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“Is It Awesome? He’ll Never See His Family Again.”

You can’t touch the rainbow if your hands are corn-syrup-y lethal.

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“Terrified Ray Allen Discovers Celtics Lab Containing Thousands Of Test-Tube ‘Big Babies'”

The Onion wins again. Genius. Goddamn, they piss me off sometimes.

“I walked up to one of them, tapped on the glass, and the test-tube Big Baby inside opened its eyes,” Allen continued. “I just kind of panicked and started screaming, and then the liquid in the tanks started bubbling and all the Big Babies were screaming in unison.”

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American Tourists are the Worst

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Whaleocalypse

Picked up this strip from Reddit. Really funny stuff. Check out Whaleocalypse here.

(No copyright infringement intended: Image copyright Matt Korostoff)

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Kain is the Sh*t

A little story from B-More about getting jumped. NSFW:

A good storyteller is worth his weight in gold. Or pandas.

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Theo Jansen and His Beach Beasties

Human beings are remarkable.

I keep imagining a future where these designs are streamlined and mainstreamed, and we’re all riding around on spider-like AT-ATs. Making Wild Wild West‘s impossibly stupid ‘giant mechanical spider’ seem like the before-its-time genius idea that it actually was.

And then NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE FUN OF JON PETER’S MECHANICAL SPIDER FETISH AGAIN!!! Are you listening, Kevin Smith?!?

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I think I miss John Madden. And his gut, too.

I never thought I’d miss John Madden.

I never thought I’d miss the liberal use of the word doink. The nauseating repetition of the Coach’s Clicker. The getting winded from speaking a compound sentence.

What a blowhard. What a meatball. But he made life more interesting. The bonehead.

Here’s the deal: I was listening to the Fox A team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. These are a couple of much more polished individuals who know a thing or two about the sport of football. I was watching the game when BAM!, WAP!, Turducken!, it hit me that there’s nothing overly idiosyncratic about anything they do. Nothing odd. Nothing at all unexpected. Which made me wonder how the broadcast would differ if Madden was still in the booth. Take off the polish and replace their civil, calculated opinions with real, live, in-the-moment reactions. Doink! Madden would be speaking his thoughts in real time, literally saying the words as they appear in his brain. That’s why his sentences could end so horrifically. Or trail off into stammering until the ball was snapped. Or end with grunts and stuff. He’s reacting on gut instinct, pure emotion, and undigested hot sauce.

This is the same John Madden who loudly uttered:
“The team who scores the most points will win the game.”
“They’re either going to run the ball here, or they’re gonna pass it.”
“When a guy runs he goes faster.”
“His helmet flew off…that’s the bad news. The good news is his head wasn’t in it.”

In the baseball world, I’ll miss this about Ron Santo, too. I’m a Milwaukee Brewers fan (living near Madison), but I will occasionally tune into a Cubs’ broadcast. The recently-departed Santo made such astute observations as, “Aawwwww! Nooo!” and “What?…Woah!” It’s like he was speaking to whales. Santo drove me nuts because he was as much a distraction from broadcast partner Pat Hughes as he was a broadcaster himself. But real emotion from the gut of a human being counts for a lot with me. Maybe I should have appreciated him more, too.

I guess what I’m saying is, John Madden, I owe you an apology. I was bothered by your volume level and your bumbling, but my football enjoyment could have been better served by sitting back to enjoy the show you provided. Maybe someday we’ll run across each other while touring America in our recreational vehicles, and the two of us can share a laugh and toast a Miller Lite.

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And in Norway, One Man Casually Decimates Your Belief in Your Own Manliness

This man once impregnated a walrus. True story.

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Guillermo del Toro in The New Yorker Magazine

del Toro discusses his process, trials with Hollywood, The Hobbit, At the Mountains of Madness, monster theory, and squashes his daughter with his gut in Daniel Zalewski’s fantastic New Yorker profile.

“The Hobbit,” he said, “is much less black-and-white. The monsters are not just evil. They’re charming, funny, seductive. Smaug is an incredibly smart guy!” Del Toro later said that he inevitably imposed his sensibility on source material: “It’s like marrying a widow. You try to be respectful of the memory of the dead husband, but come Saturday night . . . bam.”

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Zach Wahls On Same-Sex Marriage

Wow.

Remarkable, succinct, poignant, and moving. I want to buy stock in this guy. Dude killed it.

Not shown? Heads exploding when select legislators still insisted on testifying or voting for bigotry.

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